“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
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A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Finally!