Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
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[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*