Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
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[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one