Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
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Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I’m giving up ice.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Spider-cat: No One Home
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then