Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
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me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.