When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.