When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
You Might Also Like
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You had me at “define legal”.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich