What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Yes my dude
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
White parent Vs Arab parents
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0