When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
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I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough