Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you