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Y’all ready for this
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Respect
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Is….Is this an option?