This could be us, but you weedin’.
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Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
This made me chuckle cuz mood
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays