“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
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I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here