In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
🤣🤣🤣
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”