My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
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16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty