Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
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Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.