forgive me baja for i have blast
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park