setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
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We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.