Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
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Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Looking at you, Jesus.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Candles never taste the way they smell
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that