Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Cat.
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I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
good let them take over I have had enough
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the chicken was already gone when I got here
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Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
The Joker was right
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.