Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently