Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Word.
~ Microsoft.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence