good let them take over I have had enough
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God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”