SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
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I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
#Caturday
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total