Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.