Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
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God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.