I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra