*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers![]()
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
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Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright