*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
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The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.