I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
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Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]