Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
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*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool