Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
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“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me