got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
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Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP