got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
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[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists