remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
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Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Lol.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything