A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
couldn’t resist
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I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
You are not alone 💚
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Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…