A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
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Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
(more comics:
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.