My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
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Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
This kid is going places
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having