That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
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CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Somebody call the cops.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with