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A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?