Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
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Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
another case of gang violins
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.