I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
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I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
huge if true: the moon
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!