I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
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Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Namaste
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.