If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.