Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.