her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
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Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.