If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
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Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Fiction has to make sense.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.