I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
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The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
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You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
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Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there