I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
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once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.