The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
You Might Also Like
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I enjoy a good short stor
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead