It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
You Might Also Like
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Have a lovely day 😊
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.