When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
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I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”