*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
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Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Lol
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.