Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
me and my fake scenarios
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.