Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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happy friday
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
This was a bad idea all around
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source