If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
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I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?