ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
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Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
How I’d get arrested…
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything